Don't Worry Brett I'm okay

I know Brett is worried about me. But don't be I'm okay. The post about words from Meridith isn't because I'm not doing well. I saw that in her scriptures when I was putting them away. I had gotten hers out because I left mine in my car. I do think about her, what she might tell me right now, only because she would have an opinion. She was always her siblings biggest supporter. When her older siblings would make stupid choices she would tell me it will be alright. Maybe she knew it or maybe she wanted it to be so.

Marcia will enjoy this one, we were driving the other day with someone in our car (probably Brittany) but we were talking about missionaries and how Meridith wrote Brett and Richie on their missions. Somehow we talked about when Richie wrote Meridith a letter and sent it by way of Marcia. Marcia gave it to Meridith but there was noooo way Meridith was going to let Marcia read it. She never did. Oddly enough I have never gone through her letters since she died. I did look through her journals, I wish there was more. I did find a journal that she had to write for a class, it was about her feelings about service and the gospel. I did write her teacher and thank her for having them do that.

I love each of my kids. I want the best for each of them. I want to have an eternal family, to be reunited with Meridith. No Rachel this is not about you. Its my thoughts and I don't want anyone thinking that I'm not doing well. Yes I miss her. I don't think that will ever go away. I do remember her, good and bad, kind and well not so kind. I do remember her smile, her laugh, her knowledge of who she is. Today at work someone asked me about her and school(Boswell) how did I handle things.

Lessons at church have been very meaningful for me. Probably because I'm struggling with my own issues. I have always said how it is. I guess because I was grateful that my advisers or friends told me how it should be. Well for my own children they don't care for it, I know that I can be hard, only because I love them. Rachel use to say that I could say things to kids because they knew that I love them. But when it comes to my own kids they know that I love them...but they don't like it. I can be very critical of my own kids(their choices) because I only want whats best for them...and its our eternal family at jeopardy. Prayer has become hard for me lately because of frustrations. Its not that I don't realize that I should pray, but sometimes I feel like Satan waits and then makes sure that what I pray about is harder for me that it was before. I know its stupid. I look around an know that everyone has some sort of heartache. No one is exempt.

My sweet sister in law asked me if I have ever doubted the church.. I told her no. When I joined the church, my testimony was firm, and has always been firm. That doesn't mean that I don't struggle. I do. But not on the church or the right things to do. I remember a saying that Rachel made in young women's (actually I think it was Shaunna) You can't do wrong and feel right. How true that statement is. No matter what its about. You can't be mean and feel right, or angry or hateful the list can go on and on. I have always known that Satan will work hard on me. Why?? I don't know. I sure wish he did not. I'm not angry at Heavenly Father for having Meridith leave this world so soon. I don't like it but I'm not angry at him. I always knew it. I wish she could have stayed a little longer. But I know she is still near by. There are glimpses I see of her or thoughts about her. Some that include her siblings, who knows if those are for this life or the next.
I do have a testimony and I do know that Meridith came and fulfilled a purpose. She chose this family and she chose to let Brett come first and then let him be the one to tell her goodbye. We may not understand why it had to happen then but I know that it was her time.(I don't like it) but it was. She is watching us and I know that she understands the big picture and we can't always see it. But we keep trying.

Okay enough said. I'm okay I promise

Words From Meridith

Today when I went to put Meridith's scriptures away this card was inside. I looked at it and thought about her last year at school, high school and college. It applies to me today if I can figure out how to copy it and post it here I will later

Read my scriptures
Praying morning & night .................qualities I need to
doing well in school .....................improve on
not judging people
being kind to everyone
going out & meeting new people
dress modestly
live honestly

then on the back side

"Right marriage begins
with Right dating"

active in the church
Strong testimony
went on his mission
worthy priesthood holder
reads scriptures .................................qualities I want in
prays everyday ....................................my husband
very social
great sense of humor

I know that she will have all those thngs one day.

I need to improve on these things as well.

Give Thanks

This time of the year is set apart to give thanks. We need to look for many blessings that we have. The Lord blesses us and I know for me I sometimes forget to look for them and be grateful. I am thankful that the Lord is there for me, even when I feel like its just me.

Lessons ths week

One of the talks at church on Sunday was on prayer. Sister Cook did amazing. I have thought about it this week. I know that I need to be better. Rick and I talked about it one day and he said he really enjoyed it too. I know that Heavenly Father hears us. But sometimes for me it hard not knowing the answers to my prayers. I guess I'm a why person, and what am I suppose to learn form this. So far I haven't gotten any of those answers lately. I wish I would. Then Relief Society was really good as well. I guess i just needed to me reminded of several things lately. I still have a hard time saying the right things... or should I say not saying anything when I should not. I guess the Lord is still patient with me, I should be more understanding than I am sometimes.

Thanks Mom

I have a great mother. She has always been my best supporter. I look back on my life and I am grateful to have her as my mother. I know that she has been through alot in her life. My mom got married at 14 and had my sister at 16 and me at 18. My dad had been married before and so he had a daughter that was about 3 when they got married. I asked my mother what made her get married soooo young. She said my dad just kept asking her and she gave in. Well anyone who knows her now she just doesn't give in.
One time while in Nebraska visiting my grandfather, who was wonderful, I realized "Oh, now I see where the stubbornness comes from" My grandfather my mother and now me and guess what Rachel...you too. As we talked about family traits and what my great grandmother was like(I never met her) she was really stubborn. But come on she had 13 kids, she had to hold her ground. Her first 2 were twin boys with my grandfather being the oldest.(and what jokers they were)
My mom has dealt with alot in her life. My grandmother(her mom) died in my mothers arms when my mom was 18 and I was 2 months old. My mom had a 2 year old and a new baby and now dealing with the death of her mother. What alot to deal with. Plus my Aunt Karen her younger sister was only 15 when her mother died. It could not have been easy.
Her best a love in her life came much later. His name was Big Jim because he was sooo tall. His name was actually James but everyone knew him as Big Jim. What great guy he was. He had the best outlook on life. He taught me alot. Even when he was dying of cancer he had the best outlook. He loved my mother and all of us. When he died I know that it broke my mothers heart. She lost her best friend and love of her life.
A few years later her baby sister died. That is what my always called her. When my Aunt Karen died it has been hard. My mom and Aunt were very close. Karen moved to Texas to live near my mother (after her husband died of cancer). Karen did not like the heat but she loved her sister.
My sister had been sick for a long time now. Really bad for almost 2 years. My mother has always been there for her. I sometimes think to the detriment of her own health. She keeps going, now she has my niece and her 3 kids that live with her. Her life is never dull.
I love my mom and all that she has taught me. Rick says she is the greatest mother in law ever. He says that she has taught him alot. I am very grateful to have been blessed my having her as my mother. Thanks Mom for teaching me many great lessons in life through your example and willingness to share and be there for others. You are a wonderful mom, and I love you.

What a good friend

There are people who come into your life that leave such a imprint. Several years ago I had that experience. One summer Meridith went out to California with Dani, what a great time they had. I look back at pictures of them and see the fun they had. During that time Meridith stayed at Dani's grandma and papa's house with them. What a house full they had and didn't mind having one more. Meridith was already good friends with Dani and her family and now she had more friends. Lana's sisters and their children. Meridith talked about it for along time after she came back. They went to the Los Angles temple and did baptism. Lana's dad (papa) did the baptisms what an experience for all that went. Meridith went out another time to spend time with Andrea(she had tons of fun) remember the man jogging on the beach in his speedo. Meridith has that scrapbooked. What makes me realize how fortunate I am is because Natalie, Lana's mom became a good friend to me. She came into my life at a time that I needed someone. She is someone that has loved my family. I think back to when they moved here from California. What a change for them. What a blessing for us. They lived just down the street. John became our home teacher. When Rachel had Haylee and we were in Argentina picking up Brett, who did Rachel call when Haylee was crying and so was Rachel, Natalie, and she came right away. Didn't even hesitate. Natalie was able to calm Rachel and Haylee. What a blessing. When Meridith died, John came to the house right away, before we left for Mexico. When we came back Natalie came here many days, did laundry and what ever else that need to be done here. She cooked and served at the funeral, as did many people. Now Natalie is leaving to served a mission with her husband. I know that she will touch many lives. She has certainly touched mine. Her faith and testimony has carried me, and I am a better person because I have had the privilege to call her FRIEND.

Drive to Louisiana

Saturday morning Aaron and Kim came over for our drive to Louisiana. It was about 6 1/2 hours. It wasn't a bad drive but Aaron and Kim slept most of the way down and neither one of them are very talkative. We got there in plenty of time, we still had a couple of hours to waste. It was nice we had lunch and went shopping at Old Navy, got some great deals for men. The game....well it was against a division 1 school and SVU is a little school. Completely different rankings, which was not good for the score. Brett made the only touchdown AND he kicked the extra point, it was great. I know he was thrilled. Kenny and Isabell came in from Houston to watch the game. That was really nice of them. It is some much fun to have family there. Rachel, Haylee, my Mom and Brittany and of course Rick drove down of Friday. Brittany got to see Brett Friday. It was good. I didn't get to see him much because I didn't get to go till Sat but that's OK.

Life has been so busy lately.