Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Don't Worry Brett I'm okay

I know Brett is worried about me. But don't be I'm okay. The post about words from Meridith isn't because I'm not doing well. I saw that in her scriptures when I was putting them away. I had gotten hers out because I left mine in my car. I do think about her, what she might tell me right now, only because she would have an opinion. She was always her siblings biggest supporter. When her older siblings would make stupid choices she would tell me it will be alright. Maybe she knew it or maybe she wanted it to be so.

Marcia will enjoy this one, we were driving the other day with someone in our car (probably Brittany) but we were talking about missionaries and how Meridith wrote Brett and Richie on their missions. Somehow we talked about when Richie wrote Meridith a letter and sent it by way of Marcia. Marcia gave it to Meridith but there was noooo way Meridith was going to let Marcia read it. She never did. Oddly enough I have never gone through her letters since she died. I did look through her journals, I wish there was more. I did find a journal that she had to write for a class, it was about her feelings about service and the gospel. I did write her teacher and thank her for having them do that.

I love each of my kids. I want the best for each of them. I want to have an eternal family, to be reunited with Meridith. No Rachel this is not about you. Its my thoughts and I don't want anyone thinking that I'm not doing well. Yes I miss her. I don't think that will ever go away. I do remember her, good and bad, kind and well not so kind. I do remember her smile, her laugh, her knowledge of who she is. Today at work someone asked me about her and school(Boswell) how did I handle things.

Lessons at church have been very meaningful for me. Probably because I'm struggling with my own issues. I have always said how it is. I guess because I was grateful that my advisers or friends told me how it should be. Well for my own children they don't care for it, I know that I can be hard, only because I love them. Rachel use to say that I could say things to kids because they knew that I love them. But when it comes to my own kids they know that I love them...but they don't like it. I can be very critical of my own kids(their choices) because I only want whats best for them...and its our eternal family at jeopardy. Prayer has become hard for me lately because of frustrations. Its not that I don't realize that I should pray, but sometimes I feel like Satan waits and then makes sure that what I pray about is harder for me that it was before. I know its stupid. I look around an know that everyone has some sort of heartache. No one is exempt.

My sweet sister in law asked me if I have ever doubted the church.. I told her no. When I joined the church, my testimony was firm, and has always been firm. That doesn't mean that I don't struggle. I do. But not on the church or the right things to do. I remember a saying that Rachel made in young women's (actually I think it was Shaunna) You can't do wrong and feel right. How true that statement is. No matter what its about. You can't be mean and feel right, or angry or hateful the list can go on and on. I have always known that Satan will work hard on me. Why?? I don't know. I sure wish he did not. I'm not angry at Heavenly Father for having Meridith leave this world so soon. I don't like it but I'm not angry at him. I always knew it. I wish she could have stayed a little longer. But I know she is still near by. There are glimpses I see of her or thoughts about her. Some that include her siblings, who knows if those are for this life or the next.
I do have a testimony and I do know that Meridith came and fulfilled a purpose. She chose this family and she chose to let Brett come first and then let him be the one to tell her goodbye. We may not understand why it had to happen then but I know that it was her time.(I don't like it) but it was. She is watching us and I know that she understands the big picture and we can't always see it. But we keep trying.

Okay enough said. I'm okay I promise


marcia@joyismygoal said...

maybe you revisit her memories at times because she is still a huge part of your life and always will be and that is as it should be. She had a fun time in all she was doing and probably understands it better than all of us :) Hugs

Brett said...

thanks mom... those last couple lines made me cry, i never thought of it that way, I know you are alright, just wish i could come be the muscle for you in your struggles so you wouldn't get tired of fighting them... Only like one month till graduation!!

Cee Cee said...

I so appreciate your thoughts. It makes me cry to know what you are going through. As a fellow mother, I can only imagine the struggle with losing Meridith so soon. I can understand worrying about the other three kiddos and praying for them to make the best possible choices that you KNOW lead to a good life. Hang in there. I will pray with you for you and the family. We love you sooooo much!

Marbear said...

Robin, you are such an amazing person! Reading Meridith's words really struck me, especially the part about right marriage starting with right dating. All the things that she wants in a husband is what I want to, and I'm determined to find it!

I know you're going through a tough time and I'm so sorry about that! You are such an amazing person, and I know thats why Satan is working so hard on you. I remember reading a quote once from Joseph Smith about how he wanted Satan to be scared when he woke up in the morning. I'm sure thats how he feels when you wake up in the morning!

I sure do miss you! I really hope you guys come down for thanksgiving! That would make it so much more special! I love you!

Lon and Steph said...

You are so brave. I understand this all so much better after becoming a mother myself and I know it takes a lot of courage to face each day. I want you to know how much you mean to us and how grateful Lon and I are that you are in our lives. You are a constant good example to us, and we appreciate you saying things as you see them :) We love you so much.

Grandma A said...

Hi Robin,
You are an awesome mother, grandmother, daughter and friend. I love you and wish I were there to talk and to share together. I agree that Satan wants to discourage you, but you know you are strong enough to overcome. I know you will continue to pray even though it is tough sometimes.
How lucky you are that you have Meridith in your life. What a great reunion you will have one day.
Love n' hugs my dear friend. I miss you.

wootmama said...

This life isn't for wimps is it? The thing that helps me through it is that quote by president Kimball that says we made certain agreements before we came to this earth, and just because we don't remember now what they were, doesn't excuse us from fulfilling them. If we knew now all that we knew then, we would choose these things again. Those words gave me such courage and confidence and saved me from the doldrums of feeling like history's victim.

We lost four daughters a year and a half ago. One to SIDS and three to fate. It has tried my soul. That phrase just doesn't capture the awesome weight of what we went through. No phrase does, but we will all be called to go through that pain and angst in some form or another. All of us.

Playful Professional said...

I think no matter how strong we are, we all have our struggles. My sister passed away when I was four, and even though I was young, it has changed everything about my family and everything about me. There isn't a day I don't feel her watching me and as part of my life.

Shauna6pack said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts... I usually only lurk about but I had to say something today. You're an amazing woman. I'm blessed to have been associated with you and your incredible children.